DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very friendly person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned - No BJs
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry = you'll be sorry
We need to talk = you're in trouble
Sure, go ahead = you better not
Do what you want = you will pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = let's have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside