An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there is more blood curdling screams.
Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to Hell." You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomised." Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."
And another
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please, Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"